Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Someone signed my nipple.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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