My entire life is one complicated drinking game
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
