She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Randomize
