you would pick up someone in the library
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
At least life still wants to fuck me.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
