Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
