She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
