mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
