i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
