She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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