Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
