Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Randomize
