I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Randomize
