and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
two words: eviction party
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
