We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
