The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
