If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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