Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Randomize
