A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
