It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
