okay pat passed out under dana's car
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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