He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
And then he peed in my hair
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