I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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