I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I am midnight drunk by noon
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
