I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
