he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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