i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
