you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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