I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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