Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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