yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
