Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
You were trust falling into bushes
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
