there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
