You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
