some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
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