He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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