at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize
