Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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