Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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