I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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