Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
