operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
