Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
