I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
