I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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