We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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