tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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