Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
