birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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