Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
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