I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
